Once upon a time, I read that “gut feel” isn’t futile. There are nerve endings along the inner lining of your stomach that send tiny signals to the brain. Undercover messages. Discreet hints. Wired to distrust anything but the products of pure logic, we often brush off these feelings with a casual sweep, like brushing dust off a jacket.
But gut feel isn’t formulated like dust. It is lint on the chambers of the heart, subtly visible and boldly resilient, futile to the efforts spent on making it disappear. It is a thought that has not yet germinated, a seed waiting patiently for a headspace that nurtures its growth, all the while making the heart painfully aware that something is there, and change is coming.
***
Instincts. It is how I make decisions. One certain days I would wake up and instinctively know it is time to change jobs, move countries, have a little time out, focus more, read more, build new relationships, end others. Many a big decision were made like this – the pros and cons list would only be faintly visible, but I would just know it’s the right thing to do.
As I entered my late 20s, what has always come naturally has begun to feel immature, careless, and irresponsible. Although these days, my “big life decisions” have been replaced by questions of the ordinary and the mundane.
“Should I skip the the gym and go people watch outside?”
“Should I take surfing lessons?”
“Should I bring a home-packed lunch everyday to save money?”
Without realising it, I had started quashing my instincts and rationalising my decisions with logic.
” I should go to the gym because it’s going to give me endorphins later, even though I feel like shit at the moment.”
” I should probably not take surfing lessons and save the money for next month’s bus fare”
” I should bring the same lunch everyday for economies of scale, even though going outside for lunch is the one thing I look forward to at work.”
No wonder I had been feeling out of sorts.
***
This week, I tried something different.
I left work, and struggling with the usual lethargy, decided for once to follow it. Walking over to a public space, I perched on a boulder and people-watched. The end-of-the-day crowd trickled out of concrete buildings towards a setting sun and freedom. Students sprawled out on the grass. Husbands greeted wives. Friends hugged goodbye. Behind the safety of my sunglasses, I felt at harmony with the city I called home, feeling its lifeblood and pulse.
Inside my chest, something bubbled. Warm, enticing, primal, and intrinsic. I recognised it immediately.
My instincts, long dormant, were back.
Musings of a Leaf 